I recently read a powerful quote by marriage therapist; Caleb Simonyi-Gindele, regarding widows remarrying. He stated, “Remarriage shouldn’t be a reaction to loneliness but should signal coming to terms with the loss and being ready to move on.” I could not agree more.
About six months after becoming a widow I began to get questions regarding dating. A 36-year-old widow is not the norm considering the average age of widowhood in the United States is 59.
I have been fascinated by people’s curiosity into my love life. It is an entire case study lol
Even my former mother-in-law told me flat out “you will find another man, Jeannita,” shortly after my late husband’s death. I have had friends with good intentions state “I’ll give you 2-3 years and you will be remarried.” I’ve ran into people that I haven’t seen in months or even years and I have caught them glancing down at my left hand to see if somebody put a ring on it.
It has been over 3 years and I am not remarried; however, I have dated and been in a relationship. The irony is that the subject of marriage is what ended that serious relationship. Surprisingly, he wanted marriage and I wasn’t ready. So long story short….....I could have been married if that’s what I really wanted.
The truth is that being with me comes with its own set of challenges. My children do not have a father. They do not get to see their dad on weekends or holidays as a part of a custody agreement. They only get to see him at his gravesite. Any husband of mine would be their father. That’s first things first.
Secondly, I’ve gotten used to being single and I actually like it. Although I take pride in being an extremely feminine woman, it’s almost as if my mental state mirrors most men. Meaning….I want my cake and eat it too. To be clear, I would have no problem going back to being a wife, however, I am content with where I am now. This fact has been problematic with the men I’ve encountered.
Third, trust is a huge factor for me. This goes way beyond infidelity. A man that keeps his word is a must. My late husband promised my late father that he would always take care of me. He said he would always love and protect me. When he broke that promise in 2017, he broke my heart and my trust of men. As soon as a man doesn’t keep his word I leave. It can be something as minor as a dinner date. My thought process is “if he can’t keep his word on the minor things, he certainly cannot keep his word on things that really matter.” This mindset does not reflect an unhealed heart. It is actually quite the contrary, as God tells us to guard our hearts. A man has to show me through his actions that he can be trusted. This comes only with time and consistent effort.
Speaking of effort…. I am deeply disturbed by online dating. I have never tried it, but the mere thought of shopping for human beings is very troubling. Again, I am only speaking for myself, as I realize many people have found their soulmate online. I realize that this is the 21st century and times have indeed changed; however, online dating and social media have eliminated a man’s need to properly pursue a woman. What gives me the most unrest is the fact that women have made it easy for men. Quite frankly, with the plethora of asses being shown online men have no incentive to be serious with just one woman.
Has texting replaced talking? Has Netflix replaced date nights? Has sending a dm replaced real effort? Are men really taking more selfies than women for the gram? If these are the new norms I would much rather remain single. It is for these same reasons that the men I date usually don’t have personal social media accounts. The only social media they have is for their businesses. The men I am attracted to are too busy promoting their businesses to take selfies with duck lips or post meals.
Anywhoo….God will have to work on me if I am wrong about my perspective! Lol! Yes, I am open to remarriage, but I am doing just fine with the male friends in my life. As Mr. Gindele advises, I am ready to move on but if I ever get remarried it will not be for the sake of having a man. I am not sure what the future holds, but I know that when the time is right everything will fall in place with the right man…… Preferably a man that is over 6 feet, a good father, a homeowner, has good credit, is business savvy, and nvm…. Bye! Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!